The fear

I think there is no point in apologizing over and again because I will keep hiding from you all when you ask me why have I stopped enlightening you all with my positive thoughts lol.

So today I will talk a little bit about this fear that I have developed during last few months and I think it has nothing to do with my marriage or certain changes in life. So this fear is about looking at myself in mirror and trying to identify darkening complexion, messy hair, puffy eyes and dark circles and precisely the whole idea of taking care of my own self. I just cannot look at myself anymore because it scares me to death that how miserable the other person is who I am looking at. The very next moment I am out of my own sight and start wondering about tons of other things happening around me.

I have always been one of those people for whom spending luxury on one’s self was the last thing on the plate. Everything else would come first and if there is something remaining, bingo! I am lucky enough to get that. To change the thought process of years and years, it takes some time or may be quite some time to overcome the mindset you already have about yourself and come out of that ‘Kia farq parta hai’ zone. It had always been family and friends and now husband and in-laws to take care of. So its hard to actually keep myself away from them and do something on my own for my own self too.

I don’t read, I don’t write, I listen to music only when I hear something good. I am not passionate about home making. I rarely cook. Since I am away from Radio, I don’t have anything of my own to do. Perhaps that’s the reason why I feel so empty. May be this is one of those self evaluating phases that will change my perception about myself. The best part about the whole emptiness game is the fact that I can pray now and that too in time. This always gives me a chance to vent to GOD as much as I can and thank HIM too for his blessings. I think this is a chance given by HIM to me to strengthen a bond between us and fill those empty gaps of my brain with the love and affection of HIS existence :)

P.S I concluded this post on a positive note and I had no clue I would be able to come to THIS conclusion. Who should I thank this for? Whoever is reading this post :)


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